DH had a startup and I was a law student when we met, so we both had flexible schedules and both made a lot of time to see each other, right away. So our fields complement each other — we have one client in common, where he directs the investments and I do the estate planning documents, trust administration, etc. I hope that in the future we can expand that to do more of our work together. Or get a more stimulating job.
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Hubby and I also make it a point to do date night every week. I would just say be glad that you have the free time, and try to do fun things in your free time so that you will feel fulfilled and happy. Lawyer — married to another lawyer here. My husband and I are not competitive with each other. What works for us:. At the end of my billable year when I am hustling and billing time, non-stop, he grocery shops and cleans the house, and vice versa!
We are not around each other that much during the week but sending a few lines here and there def. I have been married for 15 years to an MD who works 12 hr shifts, but they can be noon to midnight, 6am to 6pm, 6pm to 6 am, 11pmam, etc. And often he works two of those shifts on the weekends.
I am very ambitious and travel a lot for my career, and also work an hour from my home. We have ALOT of help to keep the day-to-day household stuff going. That has been one major concession to avoid spending our together time doing the mundane things. Housekeeper who does the laundry, nanny, gardener, pool guy, handyman. But it is tough. We are both extremely independent people, which helps.
We can carry on alone as needed. Do you EVER get to see them?? We separately parent often—I do most of the weekends, and he does some week days.
There are sacrifices made in all lives. I said we had ALOT of help!
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Your follow-up post here makes things seem a lot more reasonable. Kudos to you for making it work for your family!!! At various times as a kid, I was watched over by a nanny, an assortment of mostly wonderful babysitters, preschool teachers, friendly neighbors, church ladies, relatives, and, of course, my mother and father. I really benefited from having to use a hackneyed term a village to raise me — and I think my parents currently going strong on 42 years of marriage did as well.
Thank you for posting your comment, cbackson. I remember finishing a grant just before the midnight deadline when he was 5. He got his little fleece rug, put it on the floor next to my chair, and fell asleep there.
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You better believe he got some good mama time over the next few! That image is so cute! My little boy insisted on staying in my study when I was on an evening telcon though he was very sleepy, and I ended the call to find him curled up on the chair. Communications is clearly key and wish I had enough foresight to apply this advice to myself. But when the kids came along, husband turned into a real 50s throwback. Not so much because he expects me to be a dutiful wife, but because he expects a dutiful mother for his children. A mother certainly cannot travel for work, because how would the children get fed or get up in the mornings?
But this means that my perfectionist nature makes my life a living hell — trying to meet the demands of work and home.
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That sucks for you, but is good for them. I absolutely agree with your decision not to move this time. One other thing—you mention the sucky wages professors get. Set up separate finances. Simplest would be each of you paying for things in your own city. That sticks you with taking care of the kids, but might prepare you for future reality anyway.
Good luck to you! And a note to those criticizing prof dad—getting tenure is like making partner. Most academic positions do not lead to tenure. I think trying to make some of your own plans is a good idea. I think one of the greatest lessons in life is learning when to say when.
There are no right or wrong ways to make this work, only the way people can make it work for their family.
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Kudos to all of us out there who get up every day and try to make it work. Just posted a response that got eaten. Also, it sounds like you realize this, but in case it helps to hear it from a third party — his expectations of you are completely unreasonable. It sounds like he cannot support your family on what he earns, so it is inappropriate for the family to put his career first.
I am sorry for this undue pressure on you. He frequently makes dinner, always does the dishes, always runs errands. It was to encourage you to have a frank discussion with your husband and make changes. If it works for some, great. But it should no longer be forced on anyone! Could he be a difficult guy at work, too? This sounds absolutely awful.
Your spouse sounds like he needs to get his head checked, candidly. I have no idea how one person can work as well as always cook meals from scratch, take the kids everywhere, throw huge parties, etc. You sound like a single mom. I would have a very frank discussion with your husband about your feelings and his unrealistic expectations of you and your role as a mother.
You can still be a wonderful mother if you get take out once in a while or throw in a frozen pizza.
It sounds like things might reach a crisis point soon, where you are at the point understandably that you may feel the need to put down an ultimatum. I hear you on the perfectionist thing. In the end, I did make the cake, but that was it. Now he gets it. I guess all we can do is choose a partner who shares our values and tune out the rest. Alternatively, he could do all of the above — and see how he liked it?